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august 2009

August 19, 2009

15 of my current musical obsessions and songs that parallel my life:

1. the sounds – rock n roll

2. the black ghosts – any way you chose to give it

3. slightly stoopid – officer

4. cypress hill – lowrider

5. LMFAO – lil hipster girl

6. metric – combat baby

7. be your own pet – heartthrob

8. ludacris – the potion

9. the cramps – whats inside a girl?

10. gnarls barkley – boogie monster

11. cash cash – party in your bedroom

12. LMFAO – i shake i move

13. the creepshow – candy kiss

14. basement jaxx – take me back to your house

15. cage the elephant – ain’t no rest for the wicked

emotional abuse

August 13, 2009

“it’s like pushing you off a cliff and then running down to catch you”

this quote just hit the nail on the head for me.  i spent about two years in an emotionally abusive relationship.. and i have an extremely emotionally abusive father.

this website kinda opened my eyes, i’d looked into emotional abuse a bit when the ex before the big time abuser and i had split up.. he’d been a little emotionally abusive himself.. but didn’t pay much attention.. i was pretty distracted by my seemingly fairytale ending.

this fairytale ended up being a nightmare.. and a very very good life lesson. this relationship had whittled me down pretty thin (in every sense of the term ‘cept physically), i was convinced i was a worthless, naive, clueless coward.

the discovery of that website paralleled a conversation with my almost lover.. in which i referred to myself as naive… he swiftly replies “i wouldn’t call you naive… idealistic, maybe, but defiantly not naive.”

cue mild nervous breakdown? epiphany, anyone?

idealistic.. i once considered being an idealist a very strong personality trait of mine, and one i kinda liked.

i’ve spent a pretty large amount of time researching emotional abuse, from a significant other, recognizing it’s effects on me and sorting them out. i know i’ve come pretty far, but i’m not sure i’m done yet… which is largely why i came to the decision to  take a little hiatus from the dating scene. i need to focus on myself, figure my shit out.. learn to love, and trust myself and love once again.

here is some information i’ve gathered from my research, as well as a few websites that have really helped me:

the cycle of abuse

phase 1 -TENSION BUILDING:
tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser.

phase 2 – INCIDENT:
verbal and emotional abuse.  anger, blaming, arguing.  threats.  intimidation.

phase 3 –  RECONCILIATION:
abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn’t as bad as the victim claims.

phase 4 – CALM:
incident is “forgotten”, no abuse is taking place.

repeat

emotional abuse

walking on eggshells

it happens to men too

long term effects on victim:

isolation from others, depression, emotional problems, low self esteem, illness, increased alcohol or drug use, withdrawal from real life into an internet alternative reality

i found almost all of these traits in myself, yikes.

this is a war

counseling center

i do not believe my ex to be a bad person. i’m fairly certain he did not know he was doing this to me, and that he wouldn’t do this on purpose. i have a feeling he’d  been exposed to emotional abuse a lot himself, possibly even from me, at some point or another…

parental emotional abuse i’m still figuring out. i know it’s there.. but the emotional abuse directed at me from my father is a completely different kind. i promise a blog when i get a bit of a grasp.

Sneaking In!

August 13, 2009

i’ve been so busy since i got home from annalise’s, unpacking, cleaning, working on other blogs and… soul searching that i’m almost out of time for TiLT!

here we go!

Questionable Content – DANGER. this comic has proved to be addicting and easily occupies way too much of my time. opening it while trying to complete other tasks is a very bad, bad idea. it’s too easy to start reading and forget you had other things to do. i must admit.. a good portion of my day was spent with faye, martin, dora, raven and friends. i’m just about a third of the way caught up…

90’s one hit wonders

House of Pain – Jump Around

Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy (and this video… yow!)

Biz Markie – Just a Friend

OMC – How Bizarre

The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony

Marcy Playground – Sex and Candy

my cousin Annalise.. her hometown, and her friends. cute boys with beards, thrift shopping, cowboy boots, all night diners, train rides, “soy caramel macchiato”s, blueberry beer?, leather jackets, batman, MOLLY!!!, psychobilly and dirty punk rock, halloween, sebastian… and being home.

P.S. expect a non-TiLT or two blog(s).. tonight!

TiLT

August 7, 2009

AH! another week has escaped me! i have several blogs half written that i simply have not had the time or attention span to complete… it’s thursday again, and yoooooou know what that means!

THINGS I LOVE THIS WEEK:

blalock’s indie/rock playlists, feed my musical addiction/fetish. every month these guys come out with a new playlist full of delicious, delicious indie rock, definitely worth checking out.. i’ve discovered some pretty amazing bands thanks to them.

since my last two TiLTs had matts mentioned in them, i’m going to continue the tradition once more.. and add matthew ingwerson to this one. the fag to my hag, my hubby — love love love this man with every bone in my body. he’s guaranteed to make me smile, and re-instill an “i don’t give a fuck” attitude about life and it’s downfalls.

i cannot put enough emphasis on my love for gala darling and her blog. she’s so great, soooo wonderful, so fabulous, so inspiring and oh so very beautiful! i want to share every blog of her’s with the world, and quite often end up sharing way too many on my facebook.

avocados, full moons, the smell of grapefruit, soy mocha milkshakes with thin mints, italian food, good wine, art supplies and torn up fashion magazines strewn all over my living room, the fact that i got to shampoo my bedroom carpet, clean bedsheets, dressing up, fancy dinner dates.

making plans with my good friend, for a fabulous weekend upon his return from michigan – “it’s going to be so much fun it should be illegal”

taking the train to see my cousin (who is more like my sister) for her birthday! as if taking the train alone wasn’t fabulous enough… what a destination! 😀

drunken text conversations with previously mentioned good friend.

matt furden is in town again this weekend!

miss molly jones (who is now on twitter, @msmollywog, disgusting i know!) and all pit bulls for that matter! free people’s august catalog features pets from the philidalphia animal welfare society, many of which are pit bulls – the catalog actually made me cry. i wish i could adopt every single one and love them forever and ever!

getting compliments on my new haircut!

lords of dogtown, i have an odd obsession with this movie, mostly for the scene where jay dances around kathy to jimi hendrix’s fire. emile hirsch is soooooo hot in this movie. i would kill to have grown up with these boys and photoraphed their cuteness and skating/surfing skillz.

cake, modest mouse and the faint! all in one weekend at the end of this month.

tyson the skateboarding bulldog. i’d loooove to teach molly, haha – how cute!

if i could bottle what you got then life would be too perfect.

August 2, 2009

i highly recommend torrenting SaG’s indie electro rock playlist july 2009, it’s causing a dance party in the living room.

TiLT

July 30, 2009

wow, a week has passed already… where have i been!?

things i’m loving this thursday:

kitten love; lime green blankets; FML – always good for a twisted chuckle; misses molly jones – she turned 1 on saturday!; seeing KISS play LIVE! – talk about epic; matthew chicoine; yerba mate; long luxourious bubble  baths, twitter, and my tweet deck (it’s purple); having the house to myself for three weeks! – ok, i’m not really loving this, i’m kinda lonely… but i’m TRYING to love it, so on the list it goes!; butter croissants with blackberry jelly; brightly colored, high waitsed jeans, with black tank tops and skinny studded belts;  josie and the pussycats; hiking; friends; fresh cut flowers; foxes; painting; clean kitchens; strawberry pie; pancakes; weeds; the smell of coconut; sleeping in; sushi; boba tea; lounging around naked mid-afternoon; phone calls; puppy kisses; books; photobooths

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things i love thursday!

July 23, 2009

taking a tip from the beautiful gala darling, here is my TiLT. a little exercise intended to “build appreciation and graditude.”

a list of what i’m loving on today:

we are hunted the 99 most popular emerging songs in the world, discorvered yesterday through my good friend, matt furden, an extemely visually and aurally pleasing website.

– on the subject of matt furden, lets add him to this list. he’s a creative, kind, HILARIOUS hunk of a man. i have to admit, i developed a pretty big crush the first night i met him, and maintain that crush to this day. he’s loud, he’s goofy, he’s cute and he’s tall, the second that man walks into a room, i can’t help but focus on him. he’s enrapturing, and.. did i mention cute?

thefurd

– fresh cups of coffee, with my father’s local honey, first thing in the morning. tastes like home.

coffee

– being done with summer school – 25 days of FREEDOM! expect plenty of blog updates.

– molly jones, she’ll probably never not be on this list. i love this dog so much.

l_872d0e0bad364337a5fd9e60a39fbad2

– a fridge stocked full of fresh fruit and delicious frozen meals from trader joe’s. i eat like a queen.

cherry-de

– LMFAO – yes; this song/video just makes me so happy. haha.